I think my life has been a series of mini mid life crisis’s over the last few years and I’m not sure if that is such a bad thing.  Lately I’ve had this feeling that’s very difficult to describe.  It is ever present but far away at the same time.  It lingers like the stench of a certain black and white critter but is as hard to grab a hold of as a wet water ballon in the middle of a summer war. 
    So I mentioned this mid life crisis thing.  I just recently got a motorcycle and yes I have heard nearly a half dozen times and I quote, “you don’t seem like the biker type.”  Yes, most observant friends and acquaintances, I do realize I don’t have a handlebar mustache nor do I wear cut off tees or leather pants.  I do however have this feeling that is pulling and poking that I think lead to my decision to buy the bike. 
    How many times have you worked really hard at something or spent so much time to reach a goal, only to achieve it and be disappointed once the goal has been reached?  Who of you remembers the fund raisers that we would have in elementary school?  Oh man, we would get these shiny brochures with many different toys and gifts.  The only thing we had to do was sell about a million Caramelo bars and we could be the proud owners of a remote control car!  Let me just tell you, the dang cars were always a rip and I never was very happy once I reached the goal.
    Just a few minutes ago I watched the very end of the Stanley Cup finals (hockey for you southern peeps) and even though I tried to rejoice with the players and coaches of the Pittsburgh Penguins, all I found myself paying attention to was how forced it seemed for many of the players to act as if this was the happiest moment of their lives.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they are all having feelings of great joy while kissing and hoisting that large metal cup up in the air.  I just can’t quit wondering if it was really all they dreamed it would be?  Some of them I’m sure have dreamed about that moment since they were little tykes, but was the end really better than the means?  Was that final moment the best part, or was it the journey that got them there? 
    So why all the talk of motorcycles, hockey, and weird feelings?  I just want to get off my chest the fact that life is a journey, and the journey is the good part of life.  I jumped on that motorcycle and all of the sudden streets that I had driven hundreds of times in my car became alive and new.  The same streets that only served the purpose of getting me to work as fast as possible so that I can do all the things that will one day get me to my goals, now became something to enjoy.
    This feeling in me is one that is trying to let me know that while I am making big plans, I am many times missing the good, the journey, I’m missing life.  While this is in no way an original idea, it is like many well known ideas- one that most of us must let ferment in our lives to really grasp and understand. And unfortunately for me, I think it has taken longer than most.
    No matter what you believe about the meaning of life or why you are here, I think most if not all of us can agree on the fact that this next breath we will all breathe is an amazing, beautiful thing.
    While I in no way think it is bad to dream or aspire for huge things, I’m starting to wonder if most “bigger things” don’t take place when we are taking time to smell the roses. 

I'm not quite sure how it happens and why it happens, but I think most of us in the western world grow up with a sense of invincibility.  Since the death of my nephew Cruse (Cruz as he liked to spell it) back in september, death and more importantly life have both been ever present on my mind.  Now, I know that this topic is not one that brings about much fanfare but I feel it important to let these thoughts out and while I don't consider myself a gifted writer, for some reason writing is more effective therapy for me than any doctor and lounge chair ever could be. 

I loved...correction... love my nephew.  He was a kid that at a young age battled some demons that eventually played a part in his death.  I know that a sentence like the previous one can make us all a bit uncomfortable, but it is true and really when you think about it, we all have our demons. 

Sometimes I find myself watching shows like "Intervention" (a documentary show about people battling various addictions) just to see real people with real problems.  I know that may seem a little weird, but I think most of us have gotten so good at covering up our faults and insecurities that our worlds have become like the world of Ken and Barbie, plastic. 

I once heard a message from a pastor about God knowing all about us.  He then talked about how embarrasing it would be if God displayed all our sins (faults) on a huge movie screen and played them back for all the world to see.  I sometimes think that wouldn't be such a bad thing.  What if for the rest of our lives we all really knew how imperfect all of us can really be?  I know we are supposed to live our lives without regrets, but I really have to admit something I wish I could change from my past.  I wish I would have been more open with my nephew about my faults.  I got so caught up in being a role model for him that somewhere along the way I  made a decision to not be open and share how many mistakes I've made or really any of my mistakes with him.

Believe me when I say I know this is not a comfortable topic or a popular one.  I really just want to remember my nephew and learn from the mistakes I made in my relationship with him.  Now through all the negative talk I want to leave you with a list of amazing and real things about my nephew. Because lets face it, we all have great qualities about us, but we are also real people that make mistakes.  His birthday is May 5th and as it draws closer, I want to remember my nephew for who he was and the impact that his life made on mine.  

Cruz Christopher Boman was...

able to make almost anyone laugh, even when they were upset with him.

a person with a smile that was contagious.

one of the most loving people I have ever met.

so annoying when playing video games or sports (such a gloater). :)

not the hardest worker, but someone that would help you at the drop of a hat.

a big guy, but scared to death the first time he flew in an airplane to come see us. 

the type of person that never had an ounce of body fat on him but ate everything he could get his hands on!

always excited to see jennifer and me and let us know that.

grateful for anything we ever got him or did for him.

a huge Pittsburgh Stealers fan living in the heart of Cleveland Browns country and the color of this text is in honor of that.

a person filled with faults (just like the rest of us) but one of my favorite people that has or will ever walk this earth.

Click on the image below to see some of my favorite pictures of Cruz.

I love you buddy, Happy Birthday!